******Emergency! My friends I need your help******

Hello everyone! I’ve missed you all so very much!

The time has come where I’m now stepping out on faith, casting my net wide and asking for help. My savings & small financial assistance have now been exhausted. I’ve always been able to be financially independent and take care of myself, plus help others; which is the cry of my heart. I want to get back to this space. The immediate, emergent need is for me to pay my bills, however the page shows details of what every dollar will go to in helping me to service humanity through the divine call on my life through the gifts God has blessed me with. Please consider contributing any dollar amount to this fundraiser for myself as an independent performing artist & part time music student. There are rewards attached to every $10 contribution. My page will show itemization of where every donated dollar amount will go. Thanks and God bless you.

Here’s my page: @www.GoFundMe.com/85f61g

These Fires

Even if I die lonely, you haven’t earned the right to rummage through my soft spots and plunder my insides.

There is nothing free in this life. And surely not my heart.

You just missed the yard sale though. Should’ve been around when I was giving me away.

But I gave it all to empty holes. Black holes. Black souls.

You missed the hoe-down!

Don’t you know I can smell your temporary?

That night when we kissed, I was fully open & accessible…you couldn’t even meet my eyes cause you knew you hadn’t earned none of it. I’m sure you smelled my desperation.

I had enough fight in me in those few moments to end the night

And we keep walking in circles. Keep tiptoeing around these fires. Cause we know it’ll burn us.

I don’t know about you. But it takes me too long to recover.

There’s depression, suicidal thoughts, obsessions & self-hate. That’s what you sign up for when you plunge deep into me. What lasts for minutes, really lasts for ages.

You’ll be my imprint. You’ll be collected and added to the other arrows still lodged in my soul.

I’m sure that’s not what you want, when you squeeze my ass(ets)

You have no idea the sound blood makes when it cries

This is why I’m alone. You wanted to know why. This is why.

You won’t fill my cracks & crevices. You’re not qualified to do that.

So please, keep refusing my advances. And I’ll keep refusing yours.

We going back and forth. But we not going anywhere.

Stay in your corner and I’ll stay in mine

You couldn’t handle this dynamite

and I wouldn’t survive another explosion.

 

Copyrigh2014 by Jaz

Perplexities, reactions, comments…changes

I’m finding it so interesting & perplexing some of the reactions/comments I’m getting to my weight/inches lost.

So this one guy that I’ve been digging for some time now. He says, “so what’s up Jaz??”. Not as in a salutation, but as in “what’s up with you and I getting together?”. I asked him did he notice all the smiles I shined on him all of those times we were in mixed company? He said that b/c it was at his place of business, he didn’t want anyone in his business; so he didn’t reciprocate. Okay. Whatever. He says to me that now things have changed. “So, what’s UP Jazzzz??!”. Same thing that was up before. NOTHING.

See, dude didn’t pay me not one bit of attention all that time ago, when I was at my heaviest. Now he all up in the grill & wanna “play’. Even if situations were right, it’s not THAT kind of party. dude. Yes, I was digging you. But I was the same beautiful person back then, that I am still now. And I know all about “personal preferences”. But that is not this. You not gonna run roughshot all over me just to garner another “trophy”. And by the way, didn’t you JUST come out of a relationship? Like the oven is barely cooled. Nah. I’ll pass. thanks. (But I did love picturing you drool & pant over my photos. ha!. suffer.)

Okay, another guy that I’ve liked for about 2 years now. He tells me that he’s proud of me & I look good and all but “can I please stop losing weight before there’s no more of me left to love. I prefer my women thick”. HUH?!  First off, who asked you? I’m not doing this for YOU. Please understand. I didn’t have to ask your permission to begin this healthy path. I didn’t do this with you in mind. I didn’t scrape my way up through heaps and heaps of mental garbage, toxic habits & food addiction only to put a smile on your face & secure your preference of a thick woman. And I really like(d) you. But NOT enough to throw away my goals, dreams, hard work & lifestyle changes. Not enough to twist myself inside out to be who YOU want or think I should be. NO!  And I seen a time where I actually would’ve did this for you. Back when I didn’t love myself. Back when all I wanted was the arms of a man around me…at ANY cost. Back when I would’ve did anything to “have” you. Actually a little piece of the old me whispered, “girl just do this for him. you finally got him! give him what he wants”.  And then I had to reach back to that little girl and hug her and remind her of her worth and to soldier forth in HER journey.

See I’ve fought to long for freedom. Can’t just discard it like an old, crusty box blowing in the wind. And I won’t give it up for you. you, nor you.

I marvel at how stronger God is making me. For believe you me, I would’ve surely stopped my journey for the beating heart of that man’s attention and affection. Just as sure as I’m writing to you now. I would’ve did it. He would’ve got it. And I would’ve lost me. Discarded, like the freedom I turned my back on.

I’m sure I’ll have many more stories to come.

By the way, I’m not gonna lie to you. All this attention DOES feel good. But I gotta see sift through shadows, see & stand in truth.

Mental Tears

I talked to a friend today. This is what poured out:

 

Sometimes it hurts…when people you love don’t know you & don’t “see” you

Rejection is such a thirsty, gaping wide hole…

Loneliness really sucks.

Why do so many “have” to have me, until they’ve had me?

Why is that boy playing games? No one’s THAT busy. Would I be wrong to unfriend him? again.

Why does silence scream?

When is my family gonna accept me? finally…after all these years. Will it EVER happen?

Why do people see my wounds…miles away? Does it give off a scent?

 

 

Please pray for my friend. :-)

A conversation with God

God
Will you sit with me in my quiet…
in my solitude?
Will you sit with me in my weirdness?
In my vulnerability & fragility?
Will you stay right here
while my insides panic, scream, fight, wrestle & resign?
Will you live with me in my tired skin…when I’m tired of being me?
Cab you stand my stench?
My foolishness?
My mental ailments?
When all & everyone has recoiled away…
will you’re assurance be louder than the silences?
Do you really know your child…
full of anxieties, dust & fears?
There are question marks inside the questions…
Do you hear my deafening thoughts?
My defeated thoughts?
Do you smell my strange?
Can you get to the emotions
unaware of their ownselves locked deep inside?
Sometimes we don’t know what we carry.
Are you tired of me yet?
And of my particular brand of tomfoolery?
Why are You still here??!!
Hasn’t my carnage scared you away?

A portion of Psalm 139(The Message)
“…Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God-you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration-what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”