I am being made over! My Heavenly Father is making me over!
My mom and I were speaking today about how far I’ve come in just a year. God has empowered me to change my lifestyle from sedentary and addicted to finally fighting for my health and life in mind, body and spirit. The devil had his plans. he always does. Doesn’t matter…b/c God is greater in me and is victorious over all and everything! I carry that same Spirit in me. The Holy Spirit has chosen to make His home in me. I am amazed! Sometimes I wonder why He choose my heart to reside…to make his abode in. I know it’s because of God’s enormous and incomparable love for me..but it just leaves me breathless and speechless!
I am now 4.5 months into my strength-training w/my trainer and I’m watching my body transform. I’m feeling fitter, stronger, healthier..it’s not just a cliche…my clothes are looser. A year ago it was getting to where I couldn’t walk up a flight of steps without being out of breathe. Carrying around almost 80 lbs of excess weight can do that. Not only that but I was disgusted with myself on all levels. There was definitely some self-loathing going on…which puts on even a heavier weight. When you hate the self that you are..it’s literally poison! Especially in the mind. For how can I better myself if I don’t think I’m worth wholeness and healthiness? I marvel at how I can now walk 5 miles with no problem. How I love it! How I wanna do more! How I’ll let the bus bypass me and keep on walking. If yall knew about how I was before….what a transformation deep inside of me!
I am in strength-training as well mentally and spiritually. I could only do the above if my mind was changed. God changed my mind about me. He wrote upon my very bone and nature that I’m worth saving. That my life means something. I was always reminded this by my precious mom and other friends but deep down didn’t believe it. God himself had to inscribe it upon my heart and press it into my brain cells. Father God you are a miracle worker!!!
Have I stumbled? yes. Has it been a perfect walk? no. I’m so glad perfection isn’t required. I’m walking this journey hand in hand with Christ. He goes before me and His Spirit prays for me with groanings that can’t be understood…His Word tells me so. I am learning so much about myself and why I do the things I do and why I don’t do the things I don’t do. I’m relaxing in knowledge that God knows me..His child..intimately and thoroughly. He knew me before I was born!
These words today can’t even encompass all that I’m feeling and the emotions my heart are swelling with.
Sometimes I quietly wonder how long this “new” will last? Because I’m so used to stopping and starting. So used to giving up on me. So used to giving into old monsters. God’s got that too. See He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. And with God’s help I am CHOOSING to walk out that freedom in babysteps and sometimes leaps, everyday. I am choosing to say yes to freedom. God has changed my will and my nature to do just that. I don’t have to fear what might be “coming”. That’s the enemy trynna throw a monkey wrench into it all. For wherever I am, there is my Savior Jesus Christ. That’s the thing…He walks out EVERYTHING with me!!! The bible tells me that the spirit of fear doesn’t come from God. But I’m so glad that I can pour out all of my feelings and struggles to God and he doesn’t shame me or laugh at me. My voice is a melody to God. He’s dedicated to me now and eternally! HALLELUJAH!
I am also so very focused right now. More than I’ve even been in my life! I’m pressing through college and learning so much. I’m learning how to speak up for myself and take the reins. When I was young I didn’t think I had a voice and so I would just swallow so many of my words and let others decide stuff for me and/or I would just walk around confused and in the dark about alot of things. God has brought me soooooo far from this!!!! God has blessed me with such a great ability to communicate and to facilitate and nurture personal, familial and professional relationships! He has seasoned my tongue with HIS wisdom and timing. Coming from being a child of fear afraid to open her mouth to this?!!! WOW God..YOU WOW ME!!! This freedom feels good!
Living through yet another big heartbreak (actually there were a few this year)…I just marvel at the peace my mind has. I marvel that I’m not laying somewhere messed up and in some guys head..addicted and co-dependent in another toxic and life-sucking/degrading “relationship”. That has been my story for so long!!! But I praise God that my Heavenly Father is writing my story. He takes every single thing and life event into account. I can’t lose with Christ!
Woman, youth and man that find themselves in the above painful situation I just described…I do not say what I say to put you down….no! I am testifying! I love you and I hurt for you b/c I have lived it..and am only free b/c of the life saving and miraculous blood of Jesus Christ! I am still clay..still dust..still prone to fall..I am no better than anyone else. I have been so broken in many ways and places and I know this is part of my ministry. I have also survived to the other side b/c at some point I choose to be a part of my own deliverance. God even had to help me to come to that decision. I boast only on the Lord!
So this is what I leave you with. I LOVE YOU. I’M PRAYING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW:
FATHER GOD, I PRAY YOU WOULD POUR YOUR GRACE AND MERCY UPON BROKEN AND SUFFERING HEARTS RIGHT NOW! GIVE THEM STRENGTH AND A DESIRE TO FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES! LET THEM FALL ON THEIR KNEES TO YOU AND GIVE ALL THEIR BURDENS TO YOU. EMPOWER THEM TO WANT TO LIVE! WRAP THEM IN THE KNOWLEDGE AND TRUTH THAT THEY MATTER…THAT THEY ARE LOVED BY A WONDROUS AND VICTORIOUS MIGHTY GOD WHO SENT HIS ONLY SON TO RESCUE THEM FROM A LIFE APART FROM YOU..WHO IS OUR VERY LIFE! CHANGE NATURES. CHANGE HEARTS. CHANGE MINDS. BREAK STRONGHOLDS. DELIVER FROM EVIL AND ENEMY. SMASH CHAINS OF ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED. DRAW BY YOUR HOLY SPIRIT AND CALL THEM BY NAME, TO A LIFE WORTH LIVING IN YOU. IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST THE SON OF THE LIVING GOD, AMEN!