It’s amazing the energies I encounter from folk I know or haven’t seen in a long time now that I’ve gained my weight back. Energies speak louder than words and sometimes even more so than looks.
(Oh soo hello, I’m back my precious blog…it has been so very long! Oh, my pen has been and is still alive though. Been scribbling on post-it’s, endless notepads, tissue paper, paper bags and just about anything that would hold my words. This writer always finds a way to her syllables. I’ll update you on the many lives I’ve lived in between then and now…a lil later on lol. But now I want to write about what’s been presently weighing on my heart.)
So, when I was in Miami for all of last summer(yes, that’s a future blog entry lol), I worked very hard and lost 30-35 lbs. All back-fat/rolls were gone and alot of my tummy and some thigh. I was soo proud of myself! It was indeed a painful but enlightening and triumphant journey. Came back to Philly feeling healthy, looking cute and fit. While I still had a ways to go I felt comfortable and amazing in my body and wore my clothes without the shame that had so mercilessly draped around me just a few months before. Of course my double chin was gone and face slimmer. Just felt so damn good!
And yet, slowly but surely I put back on the garments of food addiction. It’s insane to me how in my mind I thought I could totally stop exercising and eat whatever the hell I want day in, day out and my body wasn’t supposed to reflect that unhealthiness. It happens at a turtle’s pace. Before I knew it…
I am now almost back where I started. I gained about 25 of the 35 lbs I lost. Geez, how many times has this been my story? Aren’t I bone-tired of it yet? Oh yeah sure! I’ll just waive my magic wand and will it all away! It’s as simple as 1-2-3! NOT!!!!
To imprison one’s own self is maddening and crippling to the soul. It is literally like standing there and continuously punching your own self in the gut. Or banging your head into the wall over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…and over, etc.
I have been at war with my vessel for 3 decades. I often wonder how my body and mind and spirit can handle such abuse, neglect and self hatred.
There is an ounce of joy in this, in that, I’m not where I was. Meaning before I left for Miami, I was so overweight and full of shame that I hid indoors. I was horrified to go outside, if even to walk a few steps. I just remember the 4 rolls on my back and not being able to put enough layers on to cover up my pain. I literally hated myself and wanted to die.
Now even though I have gained most back…the 10 lbs that I didn’t, allows me to have only 2 of those 4 rolls so I’m not experiencing the stench of isolation & self-loathing. I’m very conscious of how I look now and i’m not comfortable in my skin but I’ve been accepting where I am now & finding ways to bring out my beauty even in my overweight body. I’ve been adamantly and purposefully practicing self-love and self-celebration, while working on myself.
I do this in many ways. I take a lot of selfies(mostly neck up). Now, I do that anyway b/c I’ve been a photo-model for years now (no, not the traditional runway, but the runway of my colorful life lol). I’ll make myself up and do a little mini-photoshoot. Because I HAVE to be okay with the person in the mirror. I have to be my own cheerleader. The alternative would be back to suicidal thoughts and ideation & never coming up from the chasm of despair & hopelessness. I. have. to. have. hope.
I also (when money affords) buy myself cute and affordable clothes. I embrace my BBW (big, beautiful woman). A lil makeup here, a lil braid-upsweep there. Just small touches to ornament my hurting soul. And this might sound strange but some of my crushes(if you’re familiar with my history here you’ll remember I have tons of crushes lol!) have been absolutely loving & appreciating the bigger me. Which has been surprising b/c for some reason I thought all men prefer thinner women! Hmmm you learn something new everyday.
I practice seeing the woman that God sees, when I look in my mirrors. I say mirrors, b/c there can be many. Like when I look in the mirrors of folk who haven’t saw me in a while. Or the last time they saw me, I was 40 lbs. lighter. I see and feel such disappointment. I feel a shunning and a turning away coming off of them in waves. It’s happened twice already within 2 weeks. It happened just this morning. You hear the unspoken epithets, “Oh, what happened to her?!”,”She got biggggggg!”, “She looks a mess”.
This morning while walking to school, this sista I know barely spoke to me and was shunning inspite of my huge smile and friendly, warm greeting. No it was not cause she “could’ve been in a bad mood”. It’s a different type of energy. And it reads loud & clear and cuts to the core. I felt that wave of pain, released it and then chose to let it go. I continued to take every step in confidence & self-love. If I would’ve held onto it..I would’ve spun into a web of darkness, which would’ve hung over me as a black cloud all day. For a few minutes I went into fantasy mode and re-imagined me greeting her as my thinner/healthier self(which she has seen and her greeting was soooo very warm & friendly then). I think the re-imagining happens to protect my mind from cracking and my spirit from breaking. I do it a lot. Self-preservation.
And then there are the times I catch myself in a full length picture and see just how much my behaviors have been out of control. It’s amazing b/c when I look in the mirror before I go out, it doesn’t look that bad. And it gives me the courage to go out to whatever event I’m going to. Let’s talk about that for a minute.
In the past, whenever I gained weight back, I would retreat from going out to events. I would stay away for months. But now I have found the courage, strength and self-love within to go in spite of the heartbreak on the inside. This is me loving me. Choosing not to hide. Choosing not to slither nor crawl. Walking in my worth and walking in agreement with the love my Father God has for me!
And writing…and poetry..and music..and singing..and words have been my constant nurturing, healing companion and best friend. I actively exorcise my demons through the healing, life-breathing and life-changing power of art.
Doesn’t every artist?!
I’m responsible for my well being. I’m responsible for keeping myself and my heart alive and kicking. Kicking up the dust off of self love and making noise and making waves and screaming to the world and to myself that…
I AM HERE! MY LIFE MATTERS! AND I AM WORTHY TO WALK IN PEACE, LOVE, POWER, HEALING, GREATNESS, GORGEOUSNESS, CHANGE AND GRACE!
My life matters…
My life matters…
My life matters…