A Prayer for the Children – Author Jaz

Creative Talents Unleashed

Protect the children this morning

release your Spirit into the hallways

classrooms and gymnasiums of our schools

Strengthen the parents

Guide the teachers

Bless the kids with a desire to learn

and courage to do their best

Counsel the administration

give them wisdom

Sustain the children this morning

for some have eaten loneliness for breakfast

some have been abused

Place a fire in their belly to strive inspite of the odds

open up their understanding and cultivate pride in their legacy

their history


Instill respect and care for their fellow man

Keep them sweet

Let young eyes see past despair and hopelessness

Lift up heads

Brighten the children’s minds and exhort their light

Give them insight and the ability to see eternity in their choices

Allow them to detect evil and temptation

and run like the wind from it

Foster belief and trust in themselves

Plant self-esteem

Water self-love

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About the Author: Meet Jaz

Hello my lovelies! My new poetry book “Serenading Flowers: A Book of Dedications” is finally here and available for purchase now! You’ve supported me throughout all my creative endeavors, even through subscribing and joining me in my journeys through this blog. I’d be honored and grateful for your support of this my life’s work in poetry! Thank you! I love you!


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Live. NOW.

Wow! 8 months since my pen last graced these pages(April 2016). I just read over my last entry (My Life Matters) and it brought me to tears! I cried for myself and for my journey. Watered my face with joy & sadness. I often mourn my shadows…but sunlight is always there…always.

So many different things have transpired since we last talked. Yall know I live a million lives lol! I had a summer romance with the online karaoke app I was introduced to “Sing Smule”! What a terrific & soul-satisfying slice of heaven!! I have close to 2000 recordings on this app. I’ll see if I can post the link here so yall can vibe with the listenings. Along with Sing Smule, I got introduced to the LINE app where I’ve met a whole slew of friends, artists & karaoke lovers just like me!

I’ve added about 5 more crushes to my never ending list of crushes lol!

I became a Production Dramaturg/Assistant to the Director for the Spring 2016 production of Lynn Nottage’s Crumbs From the Table of Joy at my college! Wow that was a journey that I must write about later on separately (I know I’m behind in my “must write about later” entries lol).

I trained myself over the summer months by walking 5-6 miles 5 days a week and working out at the gym using Lisa’s old workouts in the college gym. Of course, as always, I thought it wasn’t working and that no progress was being made. But slowly & surely inches started to fall off(clothes looser), more energy was had, folks started noticing, stamina was built, body was stronger and by time I started the Spring semester I’d lost 25 lbs on my own (YET AGAIN!). When I tell you I have literally lost track of how many times I’ve gained and lost weight I am NOT exaggerating. I try and keep a mental log of it in my head to no avail.(and of course…2 months later..today I’ve gained almost all of it back…AGAIN! Again at 230! I hate this number!)

I experienced yet another organ break(love heartache)…actually 2 as of today. SMH!!!

This is about the gist of things that have transpired these past months

Now college is heading into the stretch of Finals and I’m looking forward to some muffins I have baking in my oven. Some dreams I’ve dusted off and pulled down from the shelf. Some enlightenments. Some encouragements.

I have finally and at long last rose up to my dreams of modeling. Have had this dream since a young child. I have 6 professional photoshoots over the years and am pleased to say I’ve developed great working relationships with professional photographers. I entered the AshleyTrueModelingContest2016 and am currently building my portfolio. I am doing my homework on the modeling industry and have scheduled an exciting and upcoming photoshoot!

The thing is…if I don’t run full steam ahead…I get lost and drown in my shadows and my recovery time can take years. I’ve. got. to. live. now. time. isn’t. promised. to. noone.

And so I’m off!




My Life Matters

It’s amazing the energies I encounter from folk I know or haven’t seen in a long time now that I’ve gained my weight back. Energies speak louder than words and sometimes even more so than looks.

(Oh soo hello, I’m back my precious blog…it has been so very long! Oh, my pen has been and is still alive though. Been scribbling on post-it’s, endless notepads, tissue paper, paper bags and just about anything that would hold my words. This writer always finds a way to her syllables. I’ll update you on the many lives I’ve lived in between then and now…a lil later on lol. But now I want to write about what’s been presently weighing on my heart.)

So, when I was in Miami for all of last summer(yes, that’s a future blog entry lol), I worked very hard and lost 30-35 lbs. All back-fat/rolls were gone and alot of my tummy and some thigh. I was soo proud of myself! It was indeed a painful but enlightening and triumphant journey. Came back to Philly feeling healthy, looking cute and fit. While I still had a ways to go I felt comfortable and amazing in my body and wore my clothes without the shame that had so mercilessly draped around me just a few months before. Of course my double chin was gone and face slimmer. Just felt so damn good!

And yet, slowly but surely I put back on the garments of food addiction. It’s insane to me how in my mind I thought I could totally stop exercising and eat whatever the hell I want day in, day out and my body wasn’t supposed to reflect that unhealthiness. It happens at a turtle’s pace. Before I knew it…

I am now almost back where I started. I gained about 25 of the 35 lbs I lost. Geez, how many times has this been my story? Aren’t I bone-tired of it yet? Oh yeah sure! I’ll just waive my magic wand and will it all away! It’s as simple as 1-2-3! NOT!!!!

To imprison one’s own self is maddening and crippling to the soul. It is literally like standing there and continuously punching your own self in the gut. Or banging your head into the wall over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…and over, etc.

I have been at war with my vessel for 3 decades. I often wonder how my body and mind and spirit can handle such abuse,  neglect and self hatred.

There is an ounce of joy in this, in that, I’m not where I was. Meaning before I left for Miami, I was so overweight and full of shame that I hid indoors. I was horrified to go outside, if even to walk a few steps. I just remember the 4 rolls on my back and not being able to put enough layers on to cover up my pain. I literally hated myself and wanted to die.

Now even though I have gained most back…the 10 lbs that I didn’t, allows me to have only 2 of those 4 rolls so I’m not experiencing the stench of isolation & self-loathing. I’m very conscious of how I look now and i’m not comfortable in my skin but I’ve been accepting where I am now & finding ways to bring out my beauty even in my overweight body. I’ve been adamantly and purposefully practicing self-love and self-celebration, while working on myself.

I do this in many ways. I take a lot of selfies(mostly neck up). Now, I do that anyway b/c I’ve been a photo-model for years now (no, not the traditional runway, but the runway of my colorful life lol). I’ll make myself up and do a little mini-photoshoot. Because I HAVE to be okay with the person in the mirror. I have to be my own cheerleader. The alternative would be back to suicidal thoughts and ideation & never coming up from the chasm of despair & hopelessness. I. have. to. have. hope.

I also (when money affords) buy myself cute and affordable clothes. I embrace my BBW (big, beautiful woman). A lil makeup here, a lil braid-upsweep there. Just small touches to ornament my hurting soul. And this might sound strange but some of my crushes(if you’re familiar with my history here you’ll remember I have tons of crushes lol!) have been absolutely loving & appreciating the bigger me. Which has been surprising b/c for some reason I thought all men prefer thinner women! Hmmm you learn something new everyday.

I practice seeing the woman that God sees, when I look in my mirrors. I say mirrors, b/c there can be many. Like when I look in the mirrors of folk who haven’t saw me in a while. Or the last time they saw me, I was 40 lbs. lighter. I see and feel such disappointment. I feel a shunning and a turning away coming off of them in waves. It’s happened twice already within 2 weeks. It happened just this morning. You hear the unspoken epithets, “Oh, what happened to her?!”,”She got biggggggg!”, “She looks a mess”.

This morning while walking to school, this sista I know barely spoke to me and was shunning inspite of my huge smile and friendly, warm greeting. No it was not cause she “could’ve been in a bad mood”. It’s a different type of energy. And it reads loud & clear and cuts to the core. I felt that wave of pain, released it and then chose to let it go. I continued to take every step in confidence & self-love. If I would’ve held onto it..I would’ve spun into a web of darkness, which would’ve hung over me as a black cloud all day. For a few minutes I went into fantasy mode and re-imagined me greeting her as my thinner/healthier self(which she has seen and her greeting was soooo very warm & friendly then). I think the re-imagining happens to protect my mind from cracking and my spirit from breaking. I do it a lot. Self-preservation.

And then there are the times I catch myself in a full length picture and see just how much my behaviors have been out of control. It’s amazing b/c when I look in the mirror before I go out, it doesn’t look that bad. And it gives me the courage to go out to whatever event I’m going to. Let’s talk about that for a minute.

In the past, whenever I gained weight back, I would retreat from going out to events. I would stay away for months. But now I have found the courage, strength and self-love within to go in spite of the heartbreak on the inside. This is me loving me. Choosing not to hide. Choosing not to slither nor crawl. Walking in my worth and walking in agreement with the love my Father God has for me!

And writing…and poetry..and music..and singing..and words have been my constant nurturing, healing companion and best friend. I actively exorcise my demons through the healing, life-breathing and life-changing power of art.

Doesn’t every artist?!

I’m responsible for my well being. I’m responsible for keeping myself and my heart alive and kicking. Kicking up the dust off of self love and  making noise and making waves and screaming to the world and to myself that…


My life matters…

My life matters…

My life matters…



Avalanches of the heart

The heart takes alot…gives alot..

it’s so fragile…yet so strong

I have tried to hate

tried to be steel

tried on your shoes…

size 12

I’ve tried wearing your britches and your everyday

mask that’s a second skin

I have tried to strangle expectations

and snuff out hope

I’ve tried to run through a few of you

and place trophies on my shelf

I’ve tried to deaden my heart

and act as if you’re an afterthought…

that you’re a dime a dozen





It’s amazing really…

cause my house is different

and not built anything like yours

To do those things…would make me worse than you

The stench and dishonor of denying my identity. ..

The abomination of crushing my own heart

I might as well never have drawn breath

I am not you

I cannot be you

The pigs I’ve thrown my pearls to have caused these avalanches of heart

For the life of me

I can’t help but to hope








I get to shed death suites

And try on love one more time

to be healed in its grace, power and beauty

And u get to die in all your pride, glory and perfect penis…

lot of good it did you in the end.